Not Funny Jokes

“Hey, that’s not funny!”

A Jew, A Catholic and a Muslim walk into a bar.
They get into a loud argument and the bartender asks them to leave.

Two guys are stranded on a desert island.
Crazed by thirst they drink seawater,
go blind and starve to death.

A guy driving down the road sees two gorgeous hitchhikers wearing skimpy outfits.
He pulls over to pick them up.
Two guys jump out from behind the bushes, shoot him and steal his car.

Guy comes home late with boozy breath and lipstick on his collar.
His wife files for divorce, gets his house, car and full custody of his kids.

Have you heard the one about the dead hooker?
There’s thousands of them.

A woman comes home early one day and catches her husband in bed with her best friend.
She tells her she hopes he’s wearing a condom cause he has HIV.

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer!”
Bartender says, “I’ll have to see some ID first.”

Woman tells her GP, “Doc, I think I’m pregnant.”
Doctor tests for hGC, “Yep, you are.”

A pollster asked women if they’d have sex with Bill Clinton.
They said, “No. He’s old, has a bad heart and he’s married.”

Guy goes into the clinic, says, “Doc, you gotta help me, I got warts all over my thing.”
Doctor says, “You’ve got anal cancer.”

Your mom is so fat that she’s no longer attractive and will likely have related health problems.

A man advertised dead babies for use in witchcraft. He was arrested.

A lawyer died and didn’t go to heaven because it doesn’t exist.

An electrician replaced a light bulb and billed the homeowner $285.00. “$285 for a light bulb?” “The light bulb was $5.00 and it’s $280 for the labor. It’s itemized.”

The difference between dogs and cats is that they are unrelated species descended from different progenitors.

“Mom, why is the goldfish floating upside down in the bowl?”
“Because it’s dead.”

What’s the difference between a hooker and a prostitute?
Nothing.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
He’d gotten out of his pen and became disoriented.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
13 o’clock.

What did the crack whore say to the businessman?
“I’m willing to do humiliating things to earn money to buy crack.”

What did the blonde say to the brunette?
“In some cultures, women with my hair color are presumed to be more promiscuous.”

What did the brunette say to the blond?
“You’re dumb.”

A man was married to his wife for over forty years.
He was no longer interested in her sexually.

What do you get when you cross a lion and a tiger?
A liger.

“Knock, Knock”
“Just a minute. I’m on the phone!”

How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

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