Mitt Romney recently unveiled the shocking secret of why I voted for Barack Obama instead of him. It was the gifts of course! You’d think a guy with his kind of dough would have ponied up something, but, it was the same old, “I’m not really into the generosity thing.” And all I got from Ryan was a doctored marathon photo.
Ennyhoo, now that the cat is out of the bag, I figure I might as well come clean on what it took to get my vote. Here’s the top ten “gifts” I got from Jolly Old St. Barack:
10. Staved off Financial Armegeddon. Really liked this one as I have no job at the moment.
9. Stock Market doubled since ’09. BO said he didn’t really give me this one, but I think he kind of did.
8. Don’t have to have my rapist’s baby. This was more of a coupon, and I probably won’t use it myself, but I might know someone that would appreciate it.
7. Lowered my payroll taxes. You’d think Romney would have gotten me this one, but, he’s more of an Applebee’s gift certificate guy. Was great when I was working.
6. Gay Marriage. What can I say… misery loves company.
5. Health Insurance. Not really sure if I got what I wanted here. The specs on these things are so complicated, everything is so expensive and you never feel like it’s a good deal. But at least someone has to cover me now, even if I’m self employed and might get sick.
4. Hilary Clinton. Normally, any old Secretary of State is fine with me. But after Condoleeza Rice, this is like replacing your Camry with a Lamborghini. Vrooom!
3. Joe Biden. Yeah, he seems like an idiot about half the time, but when your idiot, makes their idiot look stupid, well, life’s a little sweeter, innit?
2. Non-Neanderthal Supremes. Scalia, Alito, Thomas – these guys claim to be strict constitutional interpreters – as they systematically gut the Bill of Rights. If we can’t smoke weed we should at least not be subject to warrant free search and surveillance. (Yeah, I know Barack himself’s on the wrong side of that one. He’s not quite as liberal as people think!) Let’s hope he gets to appoint a few more, hopefully to replace some of the aforementioned.
1. Didn’t get me a new war in the Middle East. Which is good, cause I still have the other two I got from Bush.