Recent advances by the experts in paranormal science at the NSA have enabled eavesdropping on the dead. The new capabilities give the agency access to channels previously accessible only to mediums and psychics, paving the way for posthumous monitoring of passed-on perps.
It’s too early to add late Aunt Jane to your Departed Friends and Family Plan but messages from beyond have been captured and transcribed. As is often the case with bleeding edge science, the news is not all good.
The dead, it seems, are damn disappointed in the living.
“My grandson promised me he’d finish college and take care of his three little sisters,” fumed one exasperated apparition, “Instead he blew the money on hookers and blow. I might as well have left it to the dog.”
“I’m still waiting for a Olympic medal,” whined another wraith, “J.D’s kid got one for him, and that Franklin gal dedicated hers to those poor people at the Colorado theater. Sorry, son, but 17th place at trials is no consolation for me being dead.”
“My son never looks up when he gets the final out…”
“My daughter didn’t mention me in her BAFTA acceptance speech…”
“My sister took my kidney and corneas but had my cat euthanized…”
“We really had no idea of the level of resentment in the ghost community,” says Ted Belle, Director of Netherworld Ops (NOINTEL). “We hoped to develop some suicide bomber assets or maybe find out what really happened in Benghazi. So far it’s mostly been a bit of a pity party.”
Pre-bereavement experts recommend survivors dial back expectations when assuaging the dying. “Promise to feed the dog, or find their ‘Vette a good home. Stay away from sports and acting achievements. Don’t commit to anything that may require world class ability or talent. If you do place first in the Super G at Sochi, by all means, knock yourself out on the podium. Just don’t be on the hook for a Nobel or Grammy for Grandma to rest in peace.”
Sources say that the dismay of the dead shows no sign of letting up for the foreseeable future. While a select few have been honored with dedications of books, songs, marathons, and so on, most of the spirit world roams the earth empty handed. “At this point, I’d settle for a poem or even a closing credit on a YouTube,” lamented one lost soul, “My Johnny’s a good kid, but he ain’t getting any younger.” Even with lowered expectations, statistics show that the dedication gap is likely to not only persist, but widen, as more Boomers die and their hipster heirs fail to create any works worthy of assigning honor.
“The best most of today’s generation can hope for is to be part of a group that receives a blanket honorific, such as veterans of a particular conflict… or maybe crime victims,” said Belle. “The idea that your kid is going to mention you at his inauguration or Hall of Fame induction is sweet, but, realistically speaking, you’re more likely to be acknowledged at a 5K walk. Perhaps a fundraiser for the disease that killed you.”