Still reeling from recent allegations that Obama “doesn’t love America” (in part because he was not raised like “us”) the White House learned today that a new round of unflattering presidential shortcomings were unveiled earlier this week by “America’s Mayor.” Having reviewed the latest round of purported personal failings, we’ve presented ten of the most egregious claims forthwith:
1) On more than one occasion, the President has instructed White House staff to indicate to callers that he is “in a meeting” when, in fact, he simply does not want to talk to the caller at that time.
2) Mr. Leader of the Free World has been observed drinking milk directly from the container and then placing said container directly back into the refrigerator. Worse, in some instances there was hardly any milk left at the time it was replaced.
3) Mr. Giuliani, and many of his like minded friends, believe the president is neither “jolly” or “a good fellow.” This, they assert, is undeniable.
4) Camp David pool staff have complained the president often dives directly into the deep end without having showered beforehand, an action strictly prohibited by the posted rules.
5) Oval office bathroom surveillance has revealed shocking footage in which the president has emerged with dry hands. Republicans are calling for further investigations.
6) “44” has been known to cancel his bi-monthly hair appointment at the last minute. “It wouldn’t be so bad if he was still in Chicago,” complained Zariff, his longtime barber, “but I gotta fly all the way to DC for $21.”
7) Although forthcoming about having “smelt it”, the Prez vehemently denies having “dealt it.”
8) Constantly blurts out “twist” endings of movies to people who have yet to see film.
9) Never seems to be holding but always happy to retain blunt far longer (in comparison) to others partaking.
10) Is apparently not the man who would risk his neck for his brother man.
We can only hope that at least one or two of these prove to be unfounded.